


Dan's Best Friend

by PhilTrashNo164



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Humour?, I don't know what I was on when I wrote this, M/M, happy birthday friend!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 17:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15539007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhilTrashNo164/pseuds/PhilTrashNo164
Summary: After a stupid argument with Phil, Dan lies awake one night and wishes he lived with a dog instead.Be careful what you wish for.





	Dan's Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [isleofbants](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isleofbants/gifts).



> title suggested by the amazing americanphancakes. Do you get the pun yet?
> 
> This is a birthday present for isleofbants! Happy birthday friend :)) 
> 
> Also, yes, I’m not sure what I was on when I wrote this...

Phil’s late for their mid-morning anime binge.

 

“‘Late’ is subjective”, Dan can imagine Phil arguing.

 

To which Dan would reply, “Yeah, sure - until you wake up after 11AM. Then it becomes a ‘ _late_ -morning anime binge’. It’s 11:07, Phil. You’re late.”

 

(Yes, he’s rehearsed his response. That’s how he sounds so witty and clever all the time - by planning what to say in advance. But don’t let that secret out.)

 

Ten minutes pass.

 

Sure, they’d argued last night. But it wasn’t a “passively-aggressively miss the mid-morning anime binge” kind of argument. Or so he’d thought.

 

Five minutes later he decides a more forceful approach is needed. He’ll barge into the bedroom-

 

-no, he needs to do it quietly, OK, he’ll _tiptoe_ into the bedroom-

 

-sneak a really bad photo of a half-asleep Phil, and threaten to tweet it if Phil doesn’t get up.

 

Perfect. (You’re allowed to resort to blackmail if you’re doing it out of love.)

 

Upstairs now, phone in hand, he listens outside the bedroom door.

 

(Phil doesn’t snore, so he’s not sure why he’s checking for noise. But hey-

 

-wait. Is Phil _talking_ to someone?)

 

“Who’s a good boy?” Phil coos. “Whosa good boy!”

 

No. That’s not Phil. It sounds like… Chris?

 

Phil’s on the phone to Chris?

 

Dan blinks for a moment, and then shrugs.

 

And then realises that even though Chris is really, really weird, calling Phil a “good boy” goes _beyond_ “weird”. Maybe Phil needs an intervention.

 

Dan slams shoulder first into the door with a battle cry:

 

“Aaaaaaah!”

 

And forgets to turn the handle.

 

“Shit-fuck-shit-sorry-Phil! I just-”

 

Handle turned this time, he staggers into the bedroom.

 

And screams.

 

*

 

“Aren’t you going to thank me?” the scary-ass witch who’s sitting on the windowsill asks. “I got you a dog! You did ask for one!”

 

The witch sounds exactly like Chris Kendall.

 

“I’m dreaming,” Dan says, tearing his eyes away from the witch and onto the bed.

 

He screams again.

 

“Really,” the witch exclaims, “you’re acting like you’ve never seen a dog before, honestly-”

 

Dan clutches his chest. “I’m dreaming,” he says again. “I’m dreaming, or Phil’s playing a very funny practical joke, ha ha ha, or there was weed in my crunchy nut. Or-”

 

“Don’t you like shiba inus?” the witch asks.

 

“That- that dog… is wearing Phil’s pajamas. And his glasses. And-”

 

The dog just looks like Phil. Dan doesn’t know how that’s possible, but he has to trust his gut. That dog is Phil. But how the fuck-

 

“You’re looking very pale. Do you want some ribena?”

 

Dan can’t stop looking at dog-Phil. He feels it’s best to address the elephant in the room.

 

“You’ve- you’ve turned Phil into a dog.”

 

“Well, you did-”

 

Dan glances back at the witch, because looking at dog-Phil makes him feel utterly, certifiably insane. At least looking at the witch makes him just feel like he’s hallucinating. “Why do you sound like that?” he interrupts. “Have you possessed Chris’s soul or something?”

 

The witch narrows her (his? their?) eyes at him, and says in a monotone, dreary voice, “In magic school we were taught that, in order to make the non-magic folk feel comfortable in our presence, we should imitate the voice of someone close to them. It puts you at ease, apparently.”

 

Dog-Phil sticks his nose into the glass of water on the bedside table. Both Dan and the witch ignore this.

 

“Me and Chris were close in like, 2009,” Dan says.

 

“Sorry,” the witch says, in Chris’s sassiest voice. “And, it’s ‘Chris and I’.”

 

“Could you speak with your normal voice, instead?” Dan pleads.

 

“If you insist.” The witch clears their throat. “Aren’t you going to pet your new dog?” they say, in a voice that sounds like Donald Trump, if Donald Trump was extremely camp.

 

A beat passes. And another. Dan wishes for the sweet release of death.

 

“You understand why I like to switch voices,” the witch says eventually, now doing a fantastic impression of Jennifer Lawrence.

 

“I-” Dan begins, only for the words to die in his throat as dog-Phil jumps out of bed to sit at Dan’s feet. “I-”

 

“Pet him!” the witch says encouragingly.

 

Dog-Phil is wagging his tail. Dan stares down at him, crosses his arms.

 

“We had an argument,” Dan announces. “I don’t want to pet him.”

 

“...You argued over what the marriage between Zelda and Princess Peach would look like. You disagreed on the decorations.”

 

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Are you saying that’s not a valid argument?”

 

“You overreacted.”

 

He scoffs at that. “Phil was wrong, OK-” he looks down at dog-Phil “-yeah, I’m talking to _you_ , Phil. You’re wrong about the roses. Zelda wouldn’t settle for something as basic as _roses,_ even if they do smell like ‘space lavender’ or whatever bastardisation you came up with.”

 

Dog-Phil stops wagging his tail, whines, and Dan feels his resolve begin to weaken slightly.

 

Only slightly.

 

“Can he leave cupboard doors open in this form?” he asks the witch. “Will he still eat my cereal?”

 

“This is for one night only,” the witch says solemnly, still sounding like J-Law. “To make you see the error of your ways.”

 

“OK, ‘Ghost of Christmas Past’,” Dan says, rolling his eyes. He turns back to dog-Phil, starts to say, “OK, Phil, I forgi-” and instead screams, “PUT THAT DOWN OH MY GOD-”

 

He yanks Lion out of dog-Phil’s jaws. (Where did Lion even _come from_?)

 

“No. _No_. Bad dog.”

 

Dog-Phil whines louder, but Dan isn’t budging. “No. We don’t bite things we like, do we?”

 

Dog-Phil winks at him. Dan has aneurysm.

 

“OK, OK, turn him back now please!” he begs. “I can’t deal with this any longer!”

 

“I thought you liked dogs?” the witch says, in an irritating know-it-all way.

 

Dan tugs at his hair. “Turn him back! I want Phil back!”

 

Dog-Phil takes that moment to lick Dan’s hand. Dog-Phil even smells like Phil.

 

“Pet the dog three times, and you shall wake to your friend in his human form,” the witch announces.

 

Dan scoffs. “You’ve been watching way too many movies, Dorothy.”

 

He does as they say, all the same.

 

Pet. Pet. Pet.

 

Nothing happens.

 

“You have to meeeean it,” the witch calls.

 

Dan bites back a sigh. “Ugh. Fine.”

 

He crouches down, runs his hand from dog-Phil’s head to his lower back as lovingly as possible. Dog-Phil looks up at him with loving eyes, tail wagging furiously.

 

One down. Two to go.

 

He pets once more, and then again-

 

Darkness.

 

*

 

“Dan? Did we get drunk last night? Why am I the only naked one?”

 

Dan blinks awake, smacking Phil in the face with his stretching arms.

 

“You don’t want to know what happened, Phil.”

 

“We… oh. We argued.” Phil looks sad, but also ridiculous, his hair sticking up at all angles. He picks something off his stomach. “Is that… dog hair? What the-”

 

“I love you, you idiot,” Dan says, pressing a kiss to Phil’s mouth.

 

(Phil kinda tastes like dog. But, like, a human dog. Dan decides not to go down the train of thought titled ‘furry fantasies’)

 

“I love you too,” Phil says sleepily. “Are we too late for anime? It’s 11:37.”

 

“It’s still morning,” Dan says, tossing Phil a shirt. “Do you want pancakes?”

 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Phil asks, narrowing his eyes at Dan. “What have you done?”

 

Dan shrugs. “Just missed you. That’s all.”

 

*

 

When they come downstairs there’s a shiba inu magnet on the fridge that looks just like Phil.

 

Dan tells Phil a fan gave it to them during TATINOF, god, Phil, don’t you notice anything?

 

He hugs Phil a little tighter that night.

 

Phil brings up the subject of dog-adoption a few days later, and then asks why Dan’s gone pale.

 

“It’s nothing,” he says. “Hey, you want some crunchy nut?”

**Author's Note:**

> fanart of shibe-Phil much appreciated! Say hi on tumblr at mysticalkoalamiracle!


End file.
